Come, Mommy

Saturday, June 09, 2007

Let Off With A Warning

It's been a crazy week around here. Many things conspired to keep me from blogging - Kieran has decided sleep is overrated, Liam found a hornets' nest (don't worry - he's fine now, if a little wary of "naughty bugs"), and well, a bunch of minutia not worth detailing. But now, as promised, the story of how Liam saved me from a speeding ticket...

Last Sunday, Liam was bribed with the offer of a doughnut cheerfully agreed to accompany me on my grocery shopping trip in order to give Kevin and Kieran some time together. All was well. We were going down the road, I with my iced coffee, Liam with his chocolate glazed doughnut, when we crossed out of our town and into the one directly north of us. This particular municipality is about the size of the period at the end of this sentence. As a consequence there's not much for the local constabulary to do other than sit at the edge of town and catch speeders. So truly, if you ever go through this town at more than 2 mph over the posted speed, you will be enjoying bonus points on your license. It's guaranteed.

All of a sudden Liam started screaming. From his view it was only fair that one could expect one's hands and face to stay perfectly clean when guzzling a chocolate doughnut. And now his hands and face were sticky, sticky, STICKY! Oh, the screaming was unbelievable. So was my headache. I promised him that when I could find a safe place to pull over, I would dig a wipe out of the diaper bag.

And then I saw the flashing lights in my rear-view mirror. I pulled over, rolled down the window, and started digging out the appropriate paperwork. Liam kept on screaming.

Liam: "Mommy!!! I neeeeeed a wipe! They are in the diaper bag! Please look in there!"

(At least he screams politely, my son.)

Me: "Yes, but I need to find some paperwork first."

Liam: "Why do you need paperwork?"

Me: "For this nice policeman here."

Liam: "What policeman? Please FIND MY WIPE! AAAARRRRGGGGGHH!"

Officer: "Afternoon, ma'am. Do you know why I pulled you over?"

Liam: "Heeeellllllp! I'm all sticky!!"

Me: "Um, was I going too fast?"

Officer: "Yes, I clocked you going 49 in a 40 mph zone."

Liam: "Mommmmyyyyy!"

Me: "Buddy, you need to quiet down while I talk to the policeman."

Liam: "But I can't! My new rule is I can't be quiet!"

Officer: "Son, what's your name?"

Liam: "Cookie Monster Train. I'm an express engine."

Officer: "I see. And are you 2?

Liam: "No, I aren't. I'm 3!"

Officer: "I suspected as much... ma'am, why were you going so fast?"

Me (trying to be heard over the moaning from the back): Well, um, Cookie Monster back there is covered with doughnut goo and I was trying to find a spot to pull over so I could hand him a wipe and stop. the. screaming."

Officer (handing me back my license and registration): "Listen, son, did you make your Mommy drive too fast?"

Liam (proudly): "Yes I did. I was throwing a tantrum!"

Officer: "Well, that's very dangerous. You need to stay calm in the car. Got it?"

Liam: "Ulp."

Officer: "OK, ma'am. I'm letting you go with a warning. And you, Cookie Monster, need to be nice to your mother. I'm going to check up on you. Got it?"

Liam: "Yes."

Me: "Thank you, Officer.

Officer: "You're welcome. I've got twins this age at home. But seriously? Next time? Buy the Cookie Monster a cookie, not a doughnut. No frosting to cause problems."

And with that, he walked back to his car. He was still there guarding the entry into town when we came back from the store.

So, friends, that is how Liam saved me from a speeding ticket. And as a bonus, we've had absolutely no tantrums in the car since. None. The quiet, she is a wonderful thing. Aaaahhhh!

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